– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?