Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
You Might Also Like
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.