Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You Might Also Like
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Time for evil
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.