ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The only equipped I am is ill.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what