“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Pickled cat.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.