I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
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[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now