Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me