So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When you’ve simply given up.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing