your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
You Might Also Like
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING