Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
You Might Also Like
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar