Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP