Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
#Caturday
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
me hooking up with my ex
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
This could’ve been an email.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius