If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does