opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
You Might Also Like
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Spell check is for lasers.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is