[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
You Might Also Like
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”