Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I wanna be friends with this person
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?