You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”