Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*