We all have our pet causes.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.