Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet