Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Mornin
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Bruh 😭😭😭😭