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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
very niche meme I made
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.