If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
❤️❤️❤️
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs