Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.