Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?