6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.