Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
this… may be the greatest story ever told
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up