You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
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Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
oh shit
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that