The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Name this drama.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.