My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.