I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan