[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
How to make infinite energy.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.