I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Cause of death: Zumba
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9