“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Basically.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*