You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further