11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822