One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Air conditioning – not a fan
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.