Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.