I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…