I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Waiting for the Charmin
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.