A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Dear Lord..
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.