office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”