We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”