I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.