I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.