Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up