With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
found this cool rock hiking today
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*