My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.