Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
What
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec