6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice